Through Despair to Peace
Do you know despair? Would you know if you were feeling it? According to Merriam Webster, it means “the complete loss of hope”. This past week, my inner world answered my request for help out of a stuck place, with “You must face your despair”. My first reaction was, “What? I am not feeling despair!” Actually, I was hardly aware of feeling sad at all. If we created an emotional spectrum from saddest to happiest, “despair” would be at the bottom of the list, right below “devastated” perhaps. Could I really be in despair? I sure didn’t want to be.
My inner world’s wisdom, kept whispering to me that I was indeed in despair. I have yet to know my inner wisdom to lie to me or to give me bad advice. We are in a solidly trusting relationship. So, I sent out a message throughout my being, “Despair if you are on the premises, show yourself”.
And so it did. To my surprise, it was there. I found a new level of grief for my son that asked me to face it. I realized I felt despair about the direction of our country and the threats to our democracy like the power and money that have taken over the supreme court. I felt despair for the people who came before us and gave their all, many devoted their lives to woman’s rights and the rights of minorities. I felt despair thinking that I am leaving my grandson to a world that has gone backwards.
About five different “despair” sources traveled from my unconscious mind into the light of my consciousness. I felt each one, and let its despair talk to me. I listened. At times, tears spilled. I talked with a close friend about my despair, the suffering in the world, the suffering of our loved ones, and about what we as individuals and in communities, can do to ease it.
When I found the Ghandi quote below, my despair had moved on. Yet, I found such affirmation, such hope in Ghandi’s words and in remembering the goodness he and others like him brought (and bring) to life.
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always. — Mahatma Gandhi
My despair will be back. I understand now that when conscious of it, despair shakes me awake to what’s important. We need not fear despair…it is a purposeful and powerful emotion that can put fire under our seats, move the heart, and inspire us to take action with the power of Truth and Love…. action that ensures that Truth and Love ultimately win.
Twelve years ago this month, our son Kevin took his life. Despair, I felt it deep twelve years ago, and my despair for my late son, returns, especially sharp at this time of year. I realize how much despair is connected to love and that love and despair are driving forces in my life. I understand that my despair takes me right to the love and Goodness of our Source, of our Creator, of Spirit. In our society we seem to fear and deny emotions that don’t feel sweet. I continually realize that such emotions are my great teachers who nurture my journey of personal and spiritual unfoldment. Peace comes when we make room for all that is right now, including emotions.
Peace,
Anisha